I have been very distracted by pain in my throat and head, often excruciating pain, and now I am even more distracted byt he fact that I can't sing in CHurch for a while, which is really very important to me, and I have been the song leader for many years so it's just going to be weird not singing tonight. I have one appintment on Monday and hopefully that will help me get back to singing, we'll see what he says. I am really hoping there isnt damage to my voicebox or anything, but even moreso, I'm hoping its nothing too serious. I know, I'm sorry I am indulging my hypocondria in a blog that is usually all about issues....well, All my issues today are of a personal nature. I would like to get back to my conversation about American Manhood, but I don't think that will be for today.
Today, I am feeling especially....human, weak, out of control, because we aren't really in control, we can only control...our reaction to all of the out of control elements around us, or even within us when it comes to health probs.
I am tired. I can't really help myself but say something when I see nonsense, filth and injustice, but I am getting to the point where so many times I don't waste my breath. I am getting to the point where I really wonder if there is a convenient way for me to tell when it is worth while to speak truth and when it is okay to leave things be. You do have to choose your battles. But in this day of age, so many people have chosen to avoid ALL battles alltogether, those of us willing to be called distasteful and be fools for Christ, seem to have to fight EVERY battle! lol Well, I can't. I can't do it. So I have to choose where some helpful words might be helpful and just pray for some. The obstinate,the hateful, resentful and biggotted, I just can't invest in them so much. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know.
Today, I have been thinking of David Brainerd. He was a man who did everything I've ever been afraid to do and died at about my age. When I think of all that he sacrificed in his young life to reach others for God, I realize that I am not the martyr my selfish mind would like to believe I am. I think I've sacrifices so much. I get tired. I get discouraged. But I am selfish and carnal.
We all want good things. I want good things. But as a Christian, every time I put any good thing before God, that good thing turns to ashes in my hands. People who have never been in the faith, do not and cannot understand this where they are. They do not understand how the things of this world can be so unimportant. They also do not understand that once the insatiable desire for earthly pleasures is put into perspective, it is FREEING and LIBERATIng to the soul.
BUT, sometimes, that inner conflict, that part of me that thinks popularity and status, and money and things are so important sticks up it's ugly head. But here is the thing. It is NEVER satisfied. And so the only way to be satisfied is to be freed from the sick appetite of the flesh. Remember the Scripture-Godliness with contentment is great gain.
Lord, help me! I am tired and hopeless in seeking contentment from the world, and I am longing and broken in seeking a closer relationship with You!