Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Thing I Know & Things I Do Not Know

Life has taken me places I didn't expect to go and made me someone I didn't expect to be. I've realized recently, that I'm a lot more "Sensitive" than I previously realized. it really does get to me and hurts me inside when someone says something bad about me, especialy if it is behind my back or if I thought the person was a friend...sadly, that is just the way life is, and I have to learn to deal with that and not let it get to me so much.

I have also realized that there are many things that I just do not know. I may have somewhat of an opinion formed, or an instinct, but I do not have all the answers to everything. That does not make me a compromiser, or a liberal, lol It just is what it is. It can be fun to be dogmatic all the time, but I just don't have that kind of confidence anymore. interestingly, some people see my own doubts, or struggles or growing as some kind of double-standard or hypocrisy, which is ridiculous. I am not the final authority, I am not Jesus.

Sometimes people have this preconceived idea that I am judging them in their personal lives, I don't know why, they just assume. Well, let me tell you, I don't. I TRY to do what I think is best and right for ME, i don't sit back and judge your personal decisions, if you think I am, its in your head, believe me, I'm not. When someone takes a "Liberty" in their own lives, I do not judge them. I do not know your heart nor do I claim to. I think sometimes people take their shakey consciences, and project that guilty feeling onto someone else. Please don't do that to me. If something doesn't sit well with you, you need to deal with that on your own, I am NO ONE else's moral compass. I never could be nor would I want to be.

One of the biggest reasons we all feel so bogged down and stressed half the time, is because we're always worrying about what someone else is doing. I will not do that anymore. Where you go and who you go with and what you do is entirely up to you, and I hope the best for you. If someone sincerely asked me what my opinion was on something in their lives, I might give MY opinion, simply because they asked, but that's as far as it goes.

I'm not sure if I'm expressing this right or not. What I'm trying to say is that we all bear our own burdens. nobody can do it for us. and all we can do for each other is be kind and encouraging, support each other, pray for each other. it's like the whole Christmas thing " good will toward all men" That's all I want to have is good will. I'm tired of anything else.

I think it might be a time for mother's wisdom, If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all-lol

I always liked Laura Bush because of that. she said she would try to find something nice to say about EVERYONE! Not a bad idea. and Laura Bush is certainly one of the classiest, kindest woman I've ever seen. I greatly admire that lady. Peace.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Serenity PRayer

I try to express myself with honesty and sincerity. Some ppl think that I take that step out into freedom of speech because I don't care what anyone thinks and I'm just an argumentative son of a gun, well, that really isn't true. WHile I am not uncomfortable at all with people disagreeing with me, I am quite uncomfortable and even a tad sensitive with personal attacks on me. Those of you who think I'm cold and callussed, believe me, u dont know me as well as you think. It cuts me deep when people trash talk me. Maybe I need to grow a little tougher than I am. I'm just honest and in your face because that's the way I was raised to understand the meaning of integrity. If I was less honest, I would feel like I was doing something wrong. I'm not as aggressive and nasty as some ppl think. ANywho.

I question things. I struggle. I'm very well-grounded in some of the things I believe, secure. But not in all things. I'm searching for some truths. But the difference that I sometimes have, is that even when I'm searching-I do so out loud so everyone can hear it lol I express myself and write about it and share the whole process. hhehe sometimes that gets me into trouble. aw well.

I still have my eyes wide opened to social troubles, to the oncoming third world war that the korea situation will soon contribute to....but, I'm also so unbelievable tired of analyzing it all and caring. I mean, eventually, it will MAKE us all care, when it effects us all, but there is ABSOLUTELY nothing that I can do about it.

There is something to be said about living the simple life. Eating, drinking, working and giving thanks. Everything else is just out of my control I guess. I can only do what I can do. Some of you may think I've turned into a wuss and am now giving up and becoming a hippy ;) lol But right now at this point in my life, one of the most important things that I've been trying to applyu to myself is a little prayer that I always used to think was superficial and silly called the Serenity Prayer. lol Maybe life has kicked my rear, maybe I'm half the man I used to be but, but maybe, just maybe, when I learn this, I'll be a better, happier person. WHo knows.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sort of an Apology

To all of my regular blog followers who don't know the details about my last blog, I felt compelled to post that to deal with some personal trouble I've been having and I needed to express myself in that way, and it needed to be where many ppl could see it. So I apologize if it was irritating, I know my blogs are usually about issues more than my personal life. I know that is not usually the accepted method but I felt I needed to do that. I will try to get back to regular blogs soon, although it has been difficult as I have been working a lot of overtime.

I saw that North Korea attacked SOuth Korea again today. Sadly, little will probably be done about that in the near future. I also see that as we speak the stockmarket is plummeting, so it certainly makes for an interesting day. There is unrest in the world and in many of our personal lives, lol but nonetheless, we do indeed have a lot to be thankful for, I'm glad it is thanksgiving week! Yeah! I love Thanksgiving. Peace.

My Defense. Before You Talk Smack About Me, Read This. Thanks.

"Everyone deserves to be happy" I don't know if that statement is totally true, but I'll be honest, I agree with it. I don't begrudge anyone their happiness. I want you all to be happy. I want everyone to have a fair shake and be able to live their life. You will not see me going around undermining your dreams or relationships or deamonizing your personality and putting you down for being what you are.

Have I not put enough time and misery in yet to 'deserve' a little happiness? I love how everyone has their OPINION and they HAVe to put their two cents in about things, but the one thing they never consider with their mouths and their high opinion of their own opinion, is that there are other PEOPLE you are effecting so why not just shut up and leave it alone, live and let live n all of that...

I haven't done anything to deserve the lonely life some of you would wish upon me. I would like to see some of you walk in my shoes. Some of the hurts I've suffered in the past several years, did I do something wrong to deserve them? No. I didn't do anything wrong. It was just life. SO why do some of you want to punish me and just think I don't have the right to be happy without it being your way and with your permission? WHo died and made you God...? Are we supposed to file an application with some people before were allowed to have feelings and be human and enjoy life?

I get this sense that some people feel that they should have a regular life, family, marriage, work, vacations, privacy, but someone like me, no, I'm not allowed to be normal...I don't deserve that, I should be a eunuch....married to the Church....and I should be perfect, and I should never drink or smoke, or chew or hang with those who do, and I should never listen to music, and I should, well, basically I should just work real hard, pray a lot and keep the CHruch clean? lol I have no idea why it isn't okay for me to be a human being? And I have no idea why I am a bad person and its' "Weird" to some people that my girlfriend and I are happy together and we get along. We rarely argue, were happy, were respectful of each other, it couldnt possibly be a better relationship, but some ppl have to say how its "Weird" ? Well, GET OVER IT! YOu really think we should throw away our happiness because you think its a little awkward for you. It is NOT awkward for us, it is not awkward for Theresa. It has not been awkward for almost two years, and at this point I would really appreciate it if everyone could just drop it!

And to clear up a couple other things, # 1. I am NOT unemployed nor have I been unemployed in a looong time! There was a little while when subbing at the school didn't give me as many hours as I would have liked, but I am NOT unemployed. And yes, I am FAT. I am so sorry if that makes me sub-human. I am not the only fat person in the flippin universe, geez! And if u dont find me attractive, thats just peachy, you dont have to date me people.

Is it really so much to ask, just for a little common courtesy, that people just support their friends and family, be kind and dont talk smack behind their backs? I wouldn't do that to you! I guarantee you that! So why do it to me? I may not be the best guy in the world, you might hate my personality or think im a fat, ugly, uncharming dork. But I have never done anything to any of you, I have never said an ill word, been unkind, takin' advantage of anyone, mooched off of anyone, I've never even borrowed money, lol, just throwing that in there because ppl seem to like to think that I am unemployed, well, have I ever borrowed money from ANYONE? Nope. Not NOBODY, cuz thats not how I prefer to do things, so tell me, how is this unemployed lazy bum surviving without borrowing money? Oh yeah. I work! I've ALways worked, from the time I was 14 years old! ANd I have earned two degrees, even if they are worthless in this economy, don't say I'm not productive please.

I'm not asking for a metal. I'm not asking you to think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. I'm asking you to treat me with some common courtesy and stop holding me to standards that don't seem to apply to anyone else but me! It just isn't fair. ANd I am not going to spend the rest of my life trying to earn everyone else's approval.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

At A Loss

I haven't been blogging much lately. I feel like I am running on spiritual "E" and I need to stop at a filling station.

There is a lot going on, including my niece having serious heart surgery this Thursday morning.

I have also been feeling very dissilusioned with....lots of things. I have been in an endless battle with falsity and half-truths. I've been struggling and seeking for truth, truth, truth, as long as I can remember. But I am feeling tired and fatigued in this battle. From personal pursuits to national policy and all of that, I just don't know about some things sometimes.

I've pretty much always been personally invested in "Politics" but it is now such a circus show that I don't even know if I care anymore. I mean, I care, but I don't see any place to stand or any leader to support....i know I believe in righteousness and holiness and fer of God in our nation. But that's about all I know now, and I don't see much hope in any of our leaders.

But more importantly, the Church. Not my local Church, I mean like all of us, all the churches, the Christians...what is going on? I don't know. It seems to be as much of a circus as the rest of the Nation. I hear preachers ranting about the old paths, and fundamentalism, etc. But somehow, I have this feeling that there is something missing and somehow many are not on that same old path they claim they're talking about. Half of these egotistical, ranting, strutting speakers wouldn't even be fit to tie the shoe  of Lester Roloff or D.L. Moody or Oliver B. Green.

There seems to be two camps right now, one is the camp of rebellious, bad-mouthing, liberal-minded, wackados who think that all the Old Fashioned Christians are nothing more than cult-members.

The other side, rants and raves about the old paths, fundamentalism, standards and bad attitudes, but somehow, I sense that they are also off track and seriously lacking something that I know I grew up with that is no longer so easy to find. Was it the way we were dressed that made the chruch what it used to be? Somehow I don't think so, because the dres hasn't changed, but something has certainly changed over the years, something has been lost and replaced by a bad attitude, arrogance and inner-loathing for anyone who talks or walks a little different than us....

So are these my two choices? its either ur with us or against us, eh?

I'll admit it right now, I don't have the answers. I wish I did. But I am honest enough to say now, that I am sensing that something is radically wrong with us right now. I am searching for what is real, and what is going to help me and keep me right. And no shallow answers are going to help me, getting my hair cut right and ironing my clothes and wearing a cool tie, is not gona help my soul, and singing bubble-gum songs to Jesus, following the bouncing ball and reading paperback novels about sissy Church-people meeting spirits in a cabin isn't gonna do it either. A lot of people are on some kind of crusade right now. And they think theyre setting everything straight. Well, although i agree there is some kind of problem among us, I do not think that most of the big mouths are part of the solution, if anything theyre part of the problem. SO I won't add my voice to any crusade right now, because sadly, I don't have a platform right now. All I know is that I am vexed and unhappy and disturbed about where we are today in Christianity...and I need a genuine spiritual move to help me.

Perhaps all of us, in every camp, need to stop and be quiet for a while and ask ourselves where it is that we have divurged from the true path that we were supposed to be on, the old paths, not just the old paths that we like to yell about and think were cool, but the actual old paths that the scriptures were talking about, not just some man-made preferences but some Spirit convictions.

I really am vexed, I'm not trying to make a statement and prove anything. I'm just expressing myself in my dsicouragement so if anyone has some real help or sincere thoughts on this matter, I'd love to hear ur thoughts.