I'm in one of those synical, aggravated moods, which means I probably shouldn't be writing anything cuz I could get into trouble ; ) but hey.
Ya know, I'm not feeling just frustrated with everyone else, I'm frustrated with myself. With my own thoughts, my own hypocrisies, my own inner conflicts, I think things in my own mind that completely contradict each other, and I'm sick of fighting with myself about my own thoughts.
I don't like the direction that the culture I'm living in is going in-
But I also can't stand any of the seeming alternatives.
I am no liberal, but I can't stand the shallow counter-arguments of what is today known as conservatism. I don't like the up-tight, stuffed-shirt, judgmental, MISERABLE fundamentalists, and I don't like the wishy-washy, anything-goes, shallow, flippant irreverence of new evangelicals----and I don't like the cop-out of the so called happy medium, so I find I'm always uncomfortable. And then that takes me to an even worse situation, a situation where I, myself, am nothing more than a self-righteous, judgmental, isolationists who thinks I'm pretty much the ONLY one who has it right-so to escape that, I acknowledge that I also don't have it right and what I'm left with is a big vaccuum.
Humanity is unlikable, and indeed-I don't even like me. lol So, maybe it has ALWAYS been this way, and I am just being an idealist, looking for some kind of perfect school of spirituality when none of us are, were all just at different points in growing, but the problem with that is that it can be so unbelievably easily become a cop-out and an excuse for the free-for-all that has become the big, confusing religious buffet of postmodern reality.
I was thinking about Christ, living on this earth. He never did anything wrong. Not ever. All the sinners that He hung around with NEVER defiled Him in any way. He was totally pure. And as HE hung out with hookers and tax-collectors, He INFURIATED the religious establishment. Jesus wasn't rubbing elbows with all the big-wig preachers and receiving honorary doctorates and being hailed as a great rabbi by all the pharisees, No-He was making enemies among the religious big dogs.
I just hate pretense. I hate phoniness...i dont know if i spelled that right....
But even in the world, you have to play the game, and act a certain way whether u mean it or not in order to get anywhere in life, and thaz one thing I hate about life. I've never been much for playing the game. Never been much for flattering people, climbing the ladder n all that trash. Can't stand it. And I can't stand it in the religious world either. Jesus Himself, was not willing it seems, to play the game and kiss-up to pharisees and clergy and be political.
Man, Paul. Now Paul spent a lot of time in JAIL. And his true friends, stuck with him through those times! When persecution comes, Preachers of the Gospel will not be people to kiss up to in hopes of getting a hold of money or influence, they will be people to love and pray for through and sharing in Suffering and Shame! Do you praise and give lipservice to a popular preacher? Great. Will you support and praise and stand with them when theyre under the gun? That's real support. It'd be so good to see true love and support among Christians instead of networking! Fellowship is not networking! Faith is not a business. Church is not a racket! And if ur wondering why everything is going to pot-it's cuz judgment begins at the house of God and the Lord is going to clean house! Christian family are supposed to be the kind of people that visit you when ur in jail not the kind of people who network, flatter, and hobknob.
There is one overwhelming word that comes to mind on every front in our religion and culture in the USA--------------SHALLOW! ! ! I see a ton of pretense. A lot of tidy sayings. A lot of talk. Myself included. I'm disgusted with myself. I don't have the goods. I don't bring the goods. I've become just another tinkling cymbal and noising brass. I'm tired of it. Is it a lack of character? Conviction? Passion? Love? Chairty? I don't know what it is. But I'm tired. Tired. Tired. And if anything good is gona come about, it's gonna have to be SUPERNATURAL. Because we are just a bunch of worms. I hate negativity ;) believe it or not, I wanna be positive. but my problem is honesty and sincerity, I can't bring myself to work up poitivity, it HAS to be real, I wont say somehting that's just hype-I can't pretend. If I'm gonna be positive, it's gotta be real. And as of right now, I'm just dissilusioned.
You know why people laugh at us when we say you outta listen to wholesome music, or u ought not commit fornication, or you should talk pure, etc, and all out little morals and rules we try to teach? Because no one takes "Us" seriously, and really-I do not blame them. I don't take us very seriously either.
We haven't mastered "Be kind" but were gonna tell other people what they should and shouldn't drink? We like to talk about purity-but half the kids in our churches are illigitimate and pastors all over the country run off with their secretaries? Meh-I could go on, but the point is, "Religious" morality and ethics is downright twisted and foolish. I have known many non-religious folks who seem to have better, well-adjusted morals than a lot of religious whackjobs do. It amazes me how religious folks can be so mean and nasty and perverse and then turn around and judge someone else who is kind and pure-hearted as evil because they don't dress the way you do.
lol-now I could give my disclaimer right here about how there's nothing wrong with dressing well etc, etc, etc, but ya know, I'm tired of entertaining and giving the nod to the Pharisee Establishment, ya wanna call me a liberal-you can just go suck on an egg with the liberals-I don't owe u any more of an explanation than I owe them.
Argh! I'm so angry. Please forgive me. I hope maybe something I say in this will be helpful and not hurtful. I don't want to be negative. I'm TIRED of ranting fundamentalists-I don't like us. I don't like myself. Oh God, please show me the good stuff! Give me a vision-help me not to be a compromiser OR a pharisee, show me what the heck a Saint is!
Make me free INDEED