I think the intensity of my blogs lately, or perhaps even the repetitiveness of the themes has scared some people away. But that is okay. I think in many ways, these blogs are for me. It helps to get thoughts in some kind of order. But also, if someone can get something, some perspective out of looking at the process I go thru, if it can help someone in some way, I think that would be great. Despite the tumultuous way that I seem to scrape thru life, I think I have learned a great deal of valuable things lately, and that I do have something to offer for those looking for Divine truth, despite my........anxiety and faults.
It is not Easy to grow, and I am growing. It is not always easy to learn new things, because sometimes you have to throw away old ideas, and change makes some ppl very nervous, especially religious people.
I've just been allowing myself to entertain some positive dreams, and been asking myself...could it be? Is it possible? and even the idea that MAYBE it could be, seems better than the alternative.
Remember when it talks about how the disciples didn't believe for joy? Basically they were like if Jesus really rose thats awesome, but it seems too good to be true...but truth is, He did rise! He was in control the whole time. Nobody murdered Him and TOOk His life, He gave it, and He just as easily took it back up again. That thought brings me such peace of mind. the circumstances were never out of God's control. He was never surprised or dissapointed, He had it all taken care of. If I could just remember that in the present circumstances. God is in control.
And who put dreams and hopes in my heart? God did. Who made me the way I am, with the desires I have? God. I've been thinking, if not one desire or joy or love or dream that I have ever had has been outside of the creative power of God-then all of the wonderful things that I can wish for or conceive of-have some kind of place in the reality that God has designed. God understand my wacky way of thinking, He gets it, cuz He made me that way. So maybe there is something there for me, something special from God. Maybe it's okay to embrace who I am. Maybe I don't have to try to be someone else? Cool.