Friday, October 28, 2011

The Love of God Never Changes, No Matter Where My Attitude Is

The last couple of weeks I have been so distracted. Many temptations and attacks from Satan have come my way. As they do to us all. Plus I started a better job so I'm working hard.

In the midst of all of my sins, downfalls, distractions, anger, confusion, situations, etc- every once in a while, I get a little reminder that God is still with me, He is faithful, He is constant, and He loves me. And I sit back and just meditate on the fact that He is FOR me. It gives me courage. People may be against me. They may TRY to condemn me, look down on me, put me down, but ya know what? God is not doing that. It is easy to find myself confused into thinking the voices of the world and the flesh and the Devil is speaking for God, but guess what-it's Not. God does not condemn me and He isn't looking ot put me down He is looking to heal me and raise me up by His side. And the paradox is awesome! When I fall down before Him, He lifts me up. Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and He shall lift you up! I can be at His side by His power and in His grace, not in my own merits. I can enter th Holy of Holies with the blood of Christ. God, help me to remember this. Give me courage when I am in the lions den, let me remember Your power and Your angel and Your protection.

Men like Daniel, and Joseph-they lived among the enemy, they lived in bondage, yet they were fearless, they prayed, they worshipped, they held into their faith and had integrity. Daniel and Joseph are my heroes!

Many times, I sit back, and say "I can't do this anymore." Many times I feel sad, and broken, dejected and weak. I know these seasons must come. But more and more, I've been allowing myself to atleast consider the possibility that I CAN br strong and I can be vcitorious. How many times did God tell Joshua be strong and of a good courage?

Be strong in the Lord and the power of His might.

I am in His hands. and just like my brother was hit by a huge truck and somehow God made sure that He was safe, as these huge obstacles come flying at me, I know I am in His hands. And that's a good place to be. I am not sinless. I don't always do the right thing. I'm not always above reproach, but I'm living by grace. I'm in His hand. he has got me. He is for me. He has taken me through a lot already. Should I stop trusting Him now?

It can be so hard, but I thank God for good examples like David, Daniel, Joseph, and Job. They stayed faithful. they kept on believing and trusting and turning to God for grace. God is good. He is trustworthy. He is the lover of our souls.

I truly, truly wish that I could share with everyone what I am experiencing. I know osme understand and some do not. I was always led to believe that in order to achieve humility, I had to think of myself as filthy, and unworthy etc. and it's so funny, because in a way it is true-before God saved me, I was so hopeless, I was so destroyed, I was a broken vessel, unable to be used. But now. What am I to God? It is hard to believe sometimes, but I am a reward to Him, a prize, I am desired by Him. He WANTS to spend time with me. He WANTS to heal me. He WANTS to bless me. He gave everything to make me His. he loves me more than anyone on earth loves me, and hey, there are some people on this earth who love me quite a bit, and God lvoes me even more! That' amazing right there. I mean to think that God loves Sarah even more than I do, well, that's pretty awesome, He must love her so much!

Often, the little religious person inside of me starts yelling NO NO NO NO NO Micah, you slefish lil self-centered wicked person, it isn't about you buddy, it's about God so stop with this narcisism and self love. this is so sacriligious. LOL so then I have to actually go to the Scriptures, and look up the words love and grace, and read the verses and take them at face value ad believe what they say, and before you know it, there I am again :) basking in the love of God. He DOES love us. He is passionate about us. he does want to heal us and make us joyful. And everything that cries out in some kind of misguided false piety and says were making it about us-is a lie.

Who is worthy to be worshipped, me or God? God is! Who is trustworthy? He is. Who is Holy and Just and wondrous and Exalted? JEHOVAH is!   And I will worship HIM, not myself :)  But the fact is, I am a treasured creation of this mighty, Holy LORD! And so I can rejoice in who I am BECAUSE of Him. Ultimately, even taking care of myself, is really just honoring Him. My body is the Temple of the Holy Ghost! If i take care of it, who am I honoring, me or Christ?

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Only God Ca Judge Me, yeah-I said it. Call me an infidel, I dont care, whatchya gonna do cut my head off?

I am listening to some music about the love of God. I have to keep my eyes on Him because I do not have it in myself to love my neighbours or forgive my enemies. Once again I find myself at the end of my own strengths. Frustrated. Knowing that many who claim to be friends will hop in at a time like this with platitudes and judgment and criticism. Knowing that I would be wise to keep things to myself, to act strong, to tell eveyone how wonderful things are and ensure them that I have it all under control. I wouldn't want to make my friends uncomfortable or nervous after all. Thankfully, my Father in Heaven is fully aware of where I am and though my faith is small and my fears are big-He is trustworthy and He will come through, I know this-even amidst my doubts.

I am so tired. So weary. So broken. I am so un-interested in someone explaining to me and lecturing me on why I shouldn't be tired and shouldn't be broken, Thank God-He understands. Thank God He is not tired. He is not distracted or plagued by migraines. He is not concerned with people saying bad things about Him or with His reputation. He is not afraid. He is not tired. Thank God.

Most people, consider it YOUR Christian duty to bear with them when they are having doubts or troubles or trials,..they'll sit there and complain to you or rationalize things with you for hours n hours, and EXPECT you to listen and not write them off, but tell your problems for two minute and they'll tell you to shape up and get right and go right back to talking about themselves. Now I know I am complaining right now, but certainly there is something to be learned from all of this. One thing is that it is good to have friends who are Supportive, Compassionate, Positive, Encouraging, Sober, etc. But sadly, I dont know if we always have these types of people in our lives. But we do have a friend that sticketh closer than a brother, we do have a Counsellor who is trustworthy, and compassionate. Even when I have seemingly no one who understands, I have the Lord and His comforting Word. Who understands pain, or rejection, or betrayal, or weariness better than Jesus? Surely what Jesus went through in Gethsemane is not to be compared with my own agony. Surely He understands my sorrows. And He does not write them off. He doesn't give me some one-liner, some platitude and continue on. He doesn't look at it as a sign of weakness that He can take advantage of! Thank God. He is not a predator. Jesus does not manipulate. He doesn't look to take advantage. He isn't trying to gain some position or footing or control. Jesus gives us opportunities to yield to Him and follow His ways in love, He doesn't push us around. We live in a world full of pushing and pressure. We are tempted, intimidated, goaded, lied to, guilted, pressured, etc. But what does Jesus offer? He offers an INVITATION. He calls us to come. Notice that Jesus doesn't back us into a corner? He doesn't trick us or force us. He calls to us.

The more I see the true nature of the beast in this world. The more clear the theme of abuse and manipulation become to me in our culture-the more I see the wonderful truth about Christ Himself. He is not like us. He is not like your boss, or your teachers, for most-He is not like your parents, He is not like many people's husbands or wives, girlfriends or boyfriends, or even friends, --He doesn't twist your arm, He doesn' bribe you, He doesn't manipulate you-He just loves you and gives you an invitation. Wow, Jesus is a Gentleman. I love Him. I really do. Thank You Jesus for not just being another one in a long line-but for being 100% unique, for being the Saviour! For being the one who ministered! Thank You for washing the disciples feet and for healing the sick!

Is my heart a little off tonight? Yes. Am I frustrated and tired of humanity. Yes indeed. But atleast God can use that intense frustration to remind me of the great contrast we see in Jesus. That is a good thing.

You know what is important and life-changing? Kindness. If we would follow Jesus' example instead of trying to project our own ideas onto His image-we would find a revolution of kindness that would absolutely transform Churches, families, individuals, communities and lives.

It is the little things. Being thoughtful in the little things says everything. Do you really think you'll be livign and kind in some big way if you don't have that attitude in a small way? Courteousness, politeness, thoughtfulness, can mean the world to people. They mean the world to me. People so often forget or mispronounce my name. When people I have worked for make it a point to remember my name, without even realizing it they have made an in-road to my heart because I feel respected.

One of my friends says I am sensitive. But ya know what, growing up in the ministry, where you always are expected to give and give and give and worry about everyone else and to never have any problems, and to never be selfish, it's pretty easy to get sensitive. Heck I've been being lied about and watching my family get lied about most of my life. Then I get somebody who has never experienced it in their life telling me how to deal with it. Telling me I have to roll over and be a victim for Jesus every day? It's like when the USA tells Israel not to defend herself.

I don't have all the answers. I don't even know where I'm going with all this, I'm just saying it is irritating sometimes. And I am saying that there are certain lines that when crossed-you're gonna find yourself on the fighting side of me.

I get so tired of the double-standards. I get tired of MY happiness being the VERY last thing on everyone's list of important things. How would you feel if someone tried to destroy your marriage? How would you feel if you lived celibate up to 28 yrs old? and there are a bunch of other how would u feels that I just can't type down, but I just think its funny how all the good religious lines and what would Jesus do's get sent my way on a lot of pills that NOBODY telling me these things would ever dream of swallowing.

People say, "Well consider how they feel" NO!!! I am not considering how they feel. I am considering how I feel. Because this is my life and i've spent almost my entire life considering how everyone else feels and they can have their own way on just about everything and i give them every consideration but they arent going to take the few precious things that are truly mine! NO! I am drawing a line! I am ALSO a human being! Just because I'm a Christian or the PAstor's son ladeedah does not mean that I don't ever deserve ANY consideration or common respect or common dignity. Im not going to martyre myself for everyone else's petty little feelings and try n say its the "Christian" thing to do.

You can say I'm "Angry" you can criticize me, you can pretend to be my friend but then second guess me all the way and poke at my weaknesses, you can give me pseudo-pious one-liners, you can patronize me, you can demonize me, ostracize me, ignore me, pray for me, but regardless of what you do-I'm doing what i think is right. I'm living my life and I'm trying my darndest not to be bitter at all of the two-faced, sanctimonious, Bible-thumping, kool-aide drinking, manipulative, self-indulgent, spiritualizing, rationalizing, justifying, double-talking, hypocritical, shallow, religious fanatics that have been trying to destroy my life for about as long as I can remember.

Thank God, somehow amidst all of that self-righteous human filth, I somehow was still allowed to meet Jesus for myself. But it is a struggle to break free of the bull and to keep my heart right. I have to understand how to be angry without having false guilt and to be angry and sin not. Because on the one hand I absolutely love and adore beyond words the truth of God's Word and the beauty of faith and hymns and praising God and Christian fellowship etc, the true, authentic thing is BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL, but I deeply and profoundly and even physically ABHOR religiosity and fanaticism, and cultism and manipulation and false guilt,....there is so much deranged fury and rage and manipulation in the human race that is wrapped up in the guise of piety that I just can't stand it.

May God renew all of our minds, and guide us in the Spirit of truth and stear us COMPLETELY clear of the deranged, sick mentality of the world's religions.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

Though I walk through the valley of ths shadow of death, I will fear no evil

I look around and I see an evil spreading it's vains out like a crawling, spreading cancer, I hear words and voices instilling thoughts deep into the heart that poison the blood. Toxic half-truths, fear-filled tortorous positions, messages of despair, of vanity, and of bondage. and the lie takes root so deep that it seems like a hopeless task to break free.

And as the eye-salve anoints me, and the spiritual medicine frees my mind to think, I feel glad not to be under the power of lies or false piety, But as I look around with my new eyes, I see the whole world infested, overtaken, captured, invaded,...with this kingdom, this power, this stronghold. The god of this world, and his imps and servants seem to thrive and fly around rejoicing in their Hellish kingdom of control. Freedom is cherished by the underground movement in the USSR, or the Resistance in Nazi Germany. Freedom is cherished, loved---but not achieved, except in the mind. How free am I? I keep asking myself. I know that where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty. I know that I am more myself than I ever have been when I'm under His influence. I know I don't have to feel bad that I laugh too loud, or that I'm too passionate, or too this or too that. But my flesh is constantly troubled, my heart is vexed. Daily, I am grieved, as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I am a free man, But I walk in a Nation of slaves. As my chains have been taken off, I see other people, all around me, bearing the burden, the heavy load, the chains, the fetters, the bands of this world. Living at the mercy of their slave-masters. And the masters keep trying to give me orders, only for me to affirm once again that I do not belong to them and they look away in dissapointment. So used to abusing me, they find it hard to accept the emancipation proclamation they have been sent.

A freed slave often struggles with what a free man is. I want to be all of the citizen that I was meant to be. I don't want to get into sharecropping.

The profound struggle of the age continues. We try to entertain ourselves and make light of it. When not only death and life but eternity hang in the balance every waking moment.

INJUSTICE cries out like the blood of Abel cried out from the earth!

Can you hear it? Do you hear it? Not everyone seems to notice their yelling! Could you walk by the gallows and see the negroes hanging there with their flesh burned and just keep on living? Millions of people did. Can you see all of the abortions and mutilated children, and remian unmoved? Millions do. So what does it take? How MUCH abuse and cruelty is enough? Is too much? When will we awaken to a righteous cause? When is slavery wrong? When will they push you over the limit and you'll stand! Stand against tyranny with no fear. Patrick Henry said "Give me liberty or give me death!" I agree with him. I would rather die then live under the false pretense of liberty! My choice is live free or die!

Bullying in schools, religious bullying, cults, child abuse, beating kids, sexual abuse, political control, government tyranny. It doesnt matter if it comes from your daddy, or if it comes from 'big brother.' It doesnt matter if it is on the internet or in North Korea---the time to stand is now!

Revolution!
Live free or die!
You want a piece of me? You know where to find me! Come n' get it, faschists!!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

whatever

Some people criticize putting your 'dirty laundry' on a facebook status, as a general rule I'd probably level with that but ya know what-sometimes SILENCE is deafening, you can call me dramatic, or say I should shut up. Okay. But it is a free country. And I am just not one for being intimidated or silent. I was never like that before. I'm not gonna be like that now. I'm a fighter. I'm a free person. I'm no victim. I am not afraid. I am slandered.

When I was a kid, certain of the older kids gave me an EXTRA hard time, lol-reason being, the other kids would kinda kiss up to the bigger kids, and just give in, but me, even if they were ten times bgger than me, I would go down swinging EVERY time rather than be a little nancy and give em whatever they asked for. I do not respond to bullying. If youw ant to get something out of me, you would be MUCH better suited trying some reverse-psychology than you would by bullying me. If you sit me down n try n change my mind ur more apt to get somewhere, because I'd rather DIE than be strong-armed. God didn't make me a punching-bag, a doormatt, or a victim. And he DEFNTLY made me with a BIG mouth and if SILENCE is what you want-you'll be sorely dissapointed. If you want me to keep things secret, and be afraid, and keep things private because you got something to hide, I'm not ur kind of person. I believe in transparency, accountabilty and integrity!!!

Patrick Henry said "Give me liberty or give me death!" I have to say I'm in agreement with that old timer. I'd rather die than live a lie! I'd rather be alone than be in an abusive relationship. I'd rather starve than live under socialism. I'd rather be hanged than bow down to statues of Kim Jong IL. My Grandfather fought and bled to offer me a free country, and Jesus Christ die on a cross to give me the Spirit of liberty. I'm not going to live in bonadage to ANYONE. I'm not going to follow arbitrary rules that NO elf-respecting man would follow that would make my Gradfather ashamed of me. You wanna call me dramatic or call me a crank-so be it-I'm Irish that's how we are, that's how God made me so ya might as well deal with it!

There are some things worth fighting for. There are some personal decision that NO ONE can understand except the person making them. There are times when no one else's opinion amounts to a hill of beans. One person told me, whatever you decide, "Be like Jesus"  I have been thinking about this. Do I feel the Spirit of my Saviour near by? Do I feel like I have His heart on this? Yes, Yes I do.

When our lovely Saviour saw His Father's house being desecrated, His reaction was not irrational, over overly dramatic or looking for trouble. His reaction was out of a reverence and a love and a passion for His Father. He was defending His Daddy's house. There are some things worth fighting for, and there are some decisions in life that do not require everyone else's opinions. People keep on sharing their opinions with me. Please get this. Nobody asked for it!

I try so hard to be sensitive to other people's feelings, to listen, to appease, to respect, to tolerate, to win over, to reason with, to love, to be kind, to be polite---and where has it gotten me? It is taken as some kind of sign of weakness. The harder I've tried ot please everyone else, the less they're pleased and the less I'm pleased. I am so over it.