I am listening to some music about the love of God. I have to keep my eyes on Him because I do not have it in myself to love my neighbours or forgive my enemies. Once again I find myself at the end of my own strengths. Frustrated. Knowing that many who claim to be friends will hop in at a time like this with platitudes and judgment and criticism. Knowing that I would be wise to keep things to myself, to act strong, to tell eveyone how wonderful things are and ensure them that I have it all under control. I wouldn't want to make my friends uncomfortable or nervous after all. Thankfully, my Father in Heaven is fully aware of where I am and though my faith is small and my fears are big-He is trustworthy and He will come through, I know this-even amidst my doubts.
I am so tired. So weary. So broken. I am so un-interested in someone explaining to me and lecturing me on why I shouldn't be tired and shouldn't be broken, Thank God-He understands. Thank God He is not tired. He is not distracted or plagued by migraines. He is not concerned with people saying bad things about Him or with His reputation. He is not afraid. He is not tired. Thank God.
Most people, consider it YOUR Christian duty to bear with them when they are having doubts or troubles or trials,..they'll sit there and complain to you or rationalize things with you for hours n hours, and EXPECT you to listen and not write them off, but tell your problems for two minute and they'll tell you to shape up and get right and go right back to talking about themselves. Now I know I am complaining right now, but certainly there is something to be learned from all of this. One thing is that it is good to have friends who are Supportive, Compassionate, Positive, Encouraging, Sober, etc. But sadly, I dont know if we always have these types of people in our lives. But we do have a friend that sticketh closer than a brother, we do have a Counsellor who is trustworthy, and compassionate. Even when I have seemingly no one who understands, I have the Lord and His comforting Word. Who understands pain, or rejection, or betrayal, or weariness better than Jesus? Surely what Jesus went through in Gethsemane is not to be compared with my own agony. Surely He understands my sorrows. And He does not write them off. He doesn't give me some one-liner, some platitude and continue on. He doesn't look at it as a sign of weakness that He can take advantage of! Thank God. He is not a predator. Jesus does not manipulate. He doesn't look to take advantage. He isn't trying to gain some position or footing or control. Jesus gives us opportunities to yield to Him and follow His ways in love, He doesn't push us around. We live in a world full of pushing and pressure. We are tempted, intimidated, goaded, lied to, guilted, pressured, etc. But what does Jesus offer? He offers an INVITATION. He calls us to come. Notice that Jesus doesn't back us into a corner? He doesn't trick us or force us. He calls to us.
The more I see the true nature of the beast in this world. The more clear the theme of abuse and manipulation become to me in our culture-the more I see the wonderful truth about Christ Himself. He is not like us. He is not like your boss, or your teachers, for most-He is not like your parents, He is not like many people's husbands or wives, girlfriends or boyfriends, or even friends, --He doesn't twist your arm, He doesn' bribe you, He doesn't manipulate you-He just loves you and gives you an invitation. Wow, Jesus is a Gentleman. I love Him. I really do. Thank You Jesus for not just being another one in a long line-but for being 100% unique, for being the Saviour! For being the one who ministered! Thank You for washing the disciples feet and for healing the sick!
Is my heart a little off tonight? Yes. Am I frustrated and tired of humanity. Yes indeed. But atleast God can use that intense frustration to remind me of the great contrast we see in Jesus. That is a good thing.
You know what is important and life-changing? Kindness. If we would follow Jesus' example instead of trying to project our own ideas onto His image-we would find a revolution of kindness that would absolutely transform Churches, families, individuals, communities and lives.
It is the little things. Being thoughtful in the little things says everything. Do you really think you'll be livign and kind in some big way if you don't have that attitude in a small way? Courteousness, politeness, thoughtfulness, can mean the world to people. They mean the world to me. People so often forget or mispronounce my name. When people I have worked for make it a point to remember my name, without even realizing it they have made an in-road to my heart because I feel respected.
One of my friends says I am sensitive. But ya know what, growing up in the ministry, where you always are expected to give and give and give and worry about everyone else and to never have any problems, and to never be selfish, it's pretty easy to get sensitive. Heck I've been being lied about and watching my family get lied about most of my life. Then I get somebody who has never experienced it in their life telling me how to deal with it. Telling me I have to roll over and be a victim for Jesus every day? It's like when the USA tells Israel not to defend herself.
I don't have all the answers. I don't even know where I'm going with all this, I'm just saying it is irritating sometimes. And I am saying that there are certain lines that when crossed-you're gonna find yourself on the fighting side of me.
I get so tired of the double-standards. I get tired of MY happiness being the VERY last thing on everyone's list of important things. How would you feel if someone tried to destroy your marriage? How would you feel if you lived celibate up to 28 yrs old? and there are a bunch of other how would u feels that I just can't type down, but I just think its funny how all the good religious lines and what would Jesus do's get sent my way on a lot of pills that NOBODY telling me these things would ever dream of swallowing.
People say, "Well consider how they feel" NO!!! I am not considering how they feel. I am considering how I feel. Because this is my life and i've spent almost my entire life considering how everyone else feels and they can have their own way on just about everything and i give them every consideration but they arent going to take the few precious things that are truly mine! NO! I am drawing a line! I am ALSO a human being! Just because I'm a Christian or the PAstor's son ladeedah does not mean that I don't ever deserve ANY consideration or common respect or common dignity. Im not going to martyre myself for everyone else's petty little feelings and try n say its the "Christian" thing to do.
You can say I'm "Angry" you can criticize me, you can pretend to be my friend but then second guess me all the way and poke at my weaknesses, you can give me pseudo-pious one-liners, you can patronize me, you can demonize me, ostracize me, ignore me, pray for me, but regardless of what you do-I'm doing what i think is right. I'm living my life and I'm trying my darndest not to be bitter at all of the two-faced, sanctimonious, Bible-thumping, kool-aide drinking, manipulative, self-indulgent, spiritualizing, rationalizing, justifying, double-talking, hypocritical, shallow, religious fanatics that have been trying to destroy my life for about as long as I can remember.
Thank God, somehow amidst all of that self-righteous human filth, I somehow was still allowed to meet Jesus for myself. But it is a struggle to break free of the bull and to keep my heart right. I have to understand how to be angry without having false guilt and to be angry and sin not. Because on the one hand I absolutely love and adore beyond words the truth of God's Word and the beauty of faith and hymns and praising God and Christian fellowship etc, the true, authentic thing is BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL, but I deeply and profoundly and even physically ABHOR religiosity and fanaticism, and cultism and manipulation and false guilt,....there is so much deranged fury and rage and manipulation in the human race that is wrapped up in the guise of piety that I just can't stand it.
May God renew all of our minds, and guide us in the Spirit of truth and stear us COMPLETELY clear of the deranged, sick mentality of the world's religions.